


A Chance

by Snow_Falls



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Nothing explicit, Surana is very hard on herself, The Dark Ritual, m rating just in case, my poor girl, rape mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 09:10:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13455069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snow_Falls/pseuds/Snow_Falls
Summary: “Let us go somewhere more private, Alistair. And, believe me when I say you will not hate this quite so much as you believe.” With that Morrigan walked out the door, not once looking back.Alistair stood still for a moment longer, his eyes shut tight, and his teeth gritted. He turned toward Koya and took her face in his hands. He pressed his forehead to hers and inhaled deeply. Koya could feel his hands shaking; she heard the unsteadiness in his breathing.“After-“ Koya’s voice broke, she swallowed and tried again. “Come back to me, after.”Warden Surana tries to work through her feelings about Alistair, the dark ritual, and everything that's happened so far. She also tries to comfort Alistair, when he comes back to her.





	A Chance

**Author's Note:**

> I am so late to this party, but I'm here now, and I'm in love. Also, I feel like I'm dying inside ;A;

“Let us go somewhere more private, Alistair. And, believe me when I say you will not hate this _quite_ so much as you believe.” With that Morrigan walked out the door, not once looking back.

 

Alistair stood still for a moment longer, his eyes shut tight, and his teeth gritted. He turned toward Koya and took her face in his hands. He pressed his forehead to hers and inhaled deeply. Koya could feel his hands shaking; she heard the unsteadiness in his breathing.

 

“After-“ Koya’s voice broke, she swallowed and tried again. “Come back to me, after.”

 

Alistair’s grip tightened, a spasm, she thought. He let go a second later and pulled back slightly to look at her, his expression pained.

 

“I – you want – is that okay?” He asked, he sounded and looked desperately hopeful. Koya’s heart, already beating a painful rhythm in her chest, clenched, but she tried to smile in reassurance.

 

“Of course. I love you.”

 

Alistair closed his eyes again. He swallowed, nodded, and left all at once. He didn’t look back either.

 

Koya stood there for a long minute. She could feel her heart beating too quickly, the twisting and the dread in her stomach. She was hit suddenly by nervous energy that made her tremble. _It’s okay, you’re okay. Do. Not. Cry. And, do not think about -_ “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” she said out loud, she was pacing, unable to stand still. She looked at the open door to her room and was walking to it before she had fully formed the idea to leave. It was like moving through a dream, she couldn’t quite remember individual moments, one second she was at her room, the next on the stairs, then the hall, and finally in the kitchen. She paused there; unsure why her feet had brought her here, Koya felt nauseous just thinking about eating in that moment.

 

“Oh dear, mistress, ah, Warden? Do you- would you perhaps need anything?”

 

Koya turned, again in a dream like state, like her senses were slowed, moving through water, and taking too much time to interpret the messages they were receiving. A young woman, an elf, stood before her. Koya was sure she had seen this maid before, but at the moment she could not remember her name for the life of her.

 

“Water,” she blurted. The maid started slightly, Koya had said that louder, her voice harder than she intended. “I’m – sorry – I – could I ask - is it possible to get water right now? For a – a bath?” The young maid looked surprised, but she nodded quickly.

 

“Yes, of course, Warden, if you like I can do that. There’s a well just outside and I’ll go right this minute, it will take time to heat it though,” she turned to leave.

 

“Wait!” Again Koya’s voice came out sharper than she meant it to, Maker she was being unkind to this poor woman. “Wait,” she said, gently this time. The young maid froze and then turned, she looked worried, like she thought she might have offended Koya. “It’s alright, I can fetch it myself, actually, and heating it isn’t a problem. But, would you do me another favour, please?” The young maid nodded at once, “Would you please find Sten, the Qunari warrior, and tell him I’d like his help down here if he wouldn’t mind.”

 

“Right away, Warden.” And she left, her pace just one step from running. Koya sighed. That was unfair of her, but hopefully she could apologize properly later. She could look into the young maid’s treatment, elves were always discriminated against, and Koya’s blood boiled when she saw them mistreated, especially by their employers. They would not treat human servants so harshly, and knowing Koya could very well have shared their fate if she had not been brought to the Circle, not been a mage, made her feel doubly protective. What was all her new power and status for if she could not help those who needed her? If she could not help elves like herself?

 

Koya looked around the kitchen as she waited, she considered going out and getting started on pulling up water from the well but then thought better of it. She wanted to ask Sten for his help properly before she did anything. He arrived a moment later, when he saw her standing in the middle of the kitchen, staring off into space and not fidgeting, or shifting from foot to foot like she was wont to do, he raised an eyebrow at her.

 

“You called, kadan?”

 

Hearing Sten’s deep calm voice triggered an unexpected reaction in Koya. She suddenly felt her eyes fill with tears; she had an almost overwhelming urge to throw her arms around him and cry. She looked away quickly, more for her own benefit then for his because her jerky movements had most definitely betrayed her, even if he hadn’t seen the tears in her eyes, which was damn near impossible. Koya took deep shaky breaths before she spoke, still with her back to Sten.

 

“I’m s-sorry to ask, but, would you help me fetch water to my room? Please?” Koya spoke softly, but despite that she was sure Sten would still hear the way her voice broke, how fragile she and it were. She felt like she stood on a razor’s edge, wildly swaying from one side to the other, desperately, gracelessly trying to keep her balance.

 

Sten said nothing, he merely walked passed her and out the door to the well. Koya blinked after him, she couldn't be sure, but she thought his lack of reply wasn’t a negative response, but a show of his willingness to help. She followed after him and in silence they pulled up water and brought it to her room. They made a few trips back and forth together, the task and Sten’s presence calming her mind. This was precisely why Koya had asked for his help. She thought of all her friends Sten was the most likely to reassure her with his mere presence, and most importantly, not ask questions or make small talk. Koya did not truly want to be alone, and Sten was welcome company. The work too was helping, it kept her hands busy, and just Sten’s presence was distracting Koya, and she dearly needed a distraction right now.

 

When it was done they stood together in her room, the copper basin she had been given to bathe in filled a little over half way in the centre of the room. Again Koya had a mad urge to hug Sten, to bury her face in his chest, to hear his deep calm voice soothe her. She pushed that away.

 

“Thank you for your help, and sorry for bothering you so late, and for something like this,” she gestured to the copper basin. She smiled at the wall, unwilling to look at him for fear her tears would threaten to spill over again. A moment of silence, Koya wondered if Sten would say anything at all or merely leave now that the task was done.

 

Suddenly Koya felt a warm heavy weight on the top of her head; Sten’s hand.

 

“Be easy, kadan. There is hope.”

 

This time Koya could not stop her tears. They ran down her cheeks as her shoulders shook with the effort it took to keep from making any sound as she began to cry. A moment later Sten withdrew his hand and quietly left her room, closing the door behind him. Koya brought her hands to her face and sobbed. All the emotions she had refused to deal with since she had left the Circle hit her at once. She cried for everything and everyone she had lost, for the people she could not save, for her friend who had betrayed her, for Duncan lost to Ostagar, for Cailan left to rot with darkspawn, for all the mages who lost their lives in the Circle Tower, for her inability to save the First Enchanter, to save Ruck or Branka. She cried for the loss of her innocence, for the young girl who had been a promising Circle mage and who wanted only to do her best to help her friend. She cried for the family she could no longer remember. For all her friends who were her family now and who she might very well be leading to their deaths. And, of course, she cried for her broken heart, for Alistair, who was her family, friend, and lover, who had agreed to this but had been unwilling, and in that moment was most likely–

 

“No,” Koya gasped. She opened her eyes and brushed away the tears, forcefully, with determination. She could not think about it, if she did she would picture it and – “No.” She said again, this time louder, with more conviction. She was _strong_.

 

Koya walked over to the chest at the foot of her bed that housed the very few personal items she had. She quickly found what she wanted, a small cake of honey scented soap, bath oils given to her by Leliana, and a wash cloth, she placed them all neatly by the basin, then took a small stool in the corner of the room and placed it too by the bath. She poured the oils into the water, heating it with magic, and after a second took a seat on the stool. Koya hadn’t realized she was tired until she sat, it felt like not just her shoulders but her whole body had been carrying tension and weight, and quite a lot of it left as she sat.

 

She glanced at the bath and bit her lip. She was starting to think maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maker, if that wasn’t the story of her life. But, no, Alistair wouldn’t take it the wrong way, would he? Now that she looked at it it might seem accusatory. Like she was telling him he was _unclean_ and needed to wash. That wasn’t what she thought at all; if anything she was the dirty one, trading away his consent like it was something she had any right to. She was the monster who twisted his arm and made him agree to something akin to rape. What if he saw this as judgment? What if all he wanted was to fall into bed and here she was telling him he needed to _cleanse_ himself first.

 

Koya had only thought about herself when she decided to prepare this bath. If she were Alistair, what would she want? The answer seemed obvious, a hot bath, for many reasons but especially because it’s what they had done for each other when they returned from The Deep Roads. When they were both physically, emotionally, and mentally drained, after they had done things they were forced to do, told themselves they were forced to do them, for the greater good. They had taken turns washing each other, caring for each other, reminding themselves that there were good, warm, gentle, loving acts left in the world and between the two of them. She wanted to do that for him now, surround him in love, wrap herself around him like a blanket, and keep him warm and safe. But, she couldn’t do that. The most she could do was help him relax, maybe soothe him with her well-meaning gesture that was clearly a stupid, _stupid_ idea. Maker, but she was nothing more than an endless string of ill advised good intentions in the shape of a person. And this, what she was putting herself through, what she was putting _Alistair_ through, it was for her, for her selfish need to live.

 

Her thoughts spiraled, moving rapidly toward darker and darker corners of her mind. Every doubt she had kept at bay seemed to sense her weakness and vied for her attention. She was reminded again of all the ways she was unsuited for her position, how she was spectacularly mediocre, at best, how despite her best efforts she had failed many people, and how she did not deserve the love of someone as trusting and good as Alistair. Koya knew without a doubt Alistair would die for her, he would take the killing blow. That thought was unbearable, her death would be preferable, but even still she was not content with that future. A future where either of them died was something she could not accept, so she pushed Alistair to sacrifice himself in another way, for her. She couldn’t even be satisfied with dying for him like a proper hero. But that made sense at least; she was no hero.

 

Just when her thoughts were reaching an unbearable destination she heard the faint sound of the door being slowly opened. Koya’s mind seemed to still and then work at full speed all at once. Her thoughts moved so fast she couldn’t catch any of them, they just moved passed her comprehension making her unsure, anxious, and nervous.

 

The door finally opened fully to reveal Alistair. He quickly slipped into the room, shutting the door behind him. Koya could see he carried his socks, shoes, and his shirt in his hand; his undershirt was on and hung loosely over his hips, he obviously had not bothered to tuck it into his trousers, which seemed like they hadn’t been laced up properly. Koya felt like the pain in her chest was a physical thing, expanding at the sight of him, muting her relief and love, and pressing on her ribs. His eyes met hers and there was a long moment where neither of them did anything. They simply looked at the other, not moving or speaking, both of them trying to read the other and terrified of what they might learn.

 

Alistair broke the silence first.

 

“I – uh,” he looked away, curling his shoulders in, trying to make himself small, and cleared his throat, “If – if it’s still alright?” He gestured vaguely with his free hand; with the other he clutched his things to his chest. He glanced back at her, but did not meet her eye. Koya nodded and watched as he took one hesitant step after the other, he looked around and then dropped his clothes onto the chest by her bed; he turned back to her taking a step in her direction before stopping. Koya watched Alistair glance at the basin, at her face, and then at his feet.

 

“I thought …you might want… a bath.” Koya finally managed to get out, her throat tight with emotion, the silence having stretched longer than either of them had liked.

 

Alistair looked up, still not meeting her eye, just a hint of a smile on his face. “Will you wash my back?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

Now he did smile, it was not a true smile, there was too much of sadness in it, and it was aimed at his feet, but Koya couldn’t help but find it reassuring. She knew he was far off from his regular self, but this was a start, she wanted to make him truly smile again.

 

She stood up as he walked to her and held up her hand when he started to pull his shirt up. He stopped and watched silently as she reached out to take hold of the hem of his undershirt, but then she paused and looked up at Alistair. He seemed unable to look her in the eye for longer than a second, his gaze meeting hers and then sliding away.

 

“Is this okay?” Koya asked softly, tugging gently on Alistair’s clothing.

 

Again, he looked at her then away. He seemed to hesitate and Koya began to withdraw.

 

“It’s okay, really,” Alistair said quickly, his hands came up but stopped just shy of touching her.

 

“You don’t have to – “ she began but Alistair broke in.

 

“I want to. Really.” This time he held her gaze for a beat longer before he had to look away. Koya’s heart hurt, but she reached out again and gently lifted up his undershirt, he raised his arms as she stood on tiptoe to pull it up and over, tossing it aside. Koya then tugged on his trousers, just barely held up by his hips, they pooled at his feet and he stepped out of them. She did not fail to notice he was not wearing his smallclothes. Koya took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She let her gaze roam up his body, seeking out any physical signs of change, any evidence that would suggest what had just been done to him. She looked him over, and over, but there was nothing, not on his chest at any rate, she dreaded to look at his back even as she was desperate to _know_.

 

Slowly, so slowly, her touch just barely there, she traced her fingers along his chest. She felt the hard ridges of scars, his skin that was thicker and paler than her own, his taunt muscles that jumped as she ran her fingers down his stomach following paths only she could see, only she adored oh-so fervently. Koya looked up at him, wanting to see if this was okay, and found he was looking at her like she was a wonder. That was all wrong, Alistair was the marvel, the wonder made flesh. She placed her hand flat on his chest, over his heart and closed her eyes. The steady rhythm it beat was a gift, a blessing, and she had been a fool. She had no right to be upset, at least not for herself. Still, if it kept his heart beating, if it saved his life, then maybe one day he would forgive her. That would be more than she deserved. Morrigan had been right after all; some prices were more bearable to pay than others. Koya only wished she had been able to make the sacrifice herself, take his place, though that had obviously been impossible. Koya opened her eyes and gently leaned her forehead on his chest by his heart, resisting the urge to put her arms around him; afraid she would overwhelm him if she did. She heard his surprised intake of breath, saw the way his hands opened and closed, and she quietly pulled away taking his hand in both of hers as she did so, holding it loosely, trying to let him know without words it was okay if he pulled away. He didn’t.

 

“The water’s getting cold,” she said to prompt him. Alistair continued to look at her like she had not only stars in her eyes, but the sun and moon, worlds and galaxies collected in her. Like he didn’t understand how he was here in this moment with her. Koya smiled. They were quite a pair; both of them convinced the other was too good for them, eternally wondering how they had managed to make the other fall in love.

 

Alistair let her tug him forward; let her help him into the tub even though he could manage on his own. He sat in the basin, which was much too small for him. Alistair’s knees were almost to his chin but he sighed and closed his eyes as he leaned back in it. Koya pushed the stool so she sat almost directly behind him, but stayed slightly to his side, she wanted to be able to see his face. She picked up the washcloth and soap dipping both into the water and forming lather. Koya cupped water in her hand and trickled it down his back, bringing the washcloth over his skin, washing his back like she had promised. Alistair’s back was hard muscle, old and new scars, but again, there was nothing to suggest he had been hurt in any way with what had happened. Koya knew scratches were the least of it, but still, neither of them had to see or feel physical reminders of what Alistair had just undergone, that was something.

 

“Did I ever tell you about the time I first learned fire magic?” Koya asked, she spoke quietly, close to Alistair’s ear, and he shivered. He tilted his head slightly to look back at her, a hint of a true smile on his lips.

 

“No,” he answered, which was what Koya expected because she knew very well she hadn’t. She dipped her fingers into the water, heating it, keeping it pleasantly warm.

 

She leaned down and kissed his wet shoulder, Alistair shivered again, inhaling a little sharply. “Well,” she started, continuing to wash him, she spoke slowly, drawing out the story, giving Alistair time to relax, giving herself time to take care of him as she had longed to do. “It was when I was ten and had only been in the circle less than a year. I didn’t have any friends yet, well, there was a girl but – “ Alistair raised his eyebrows, Koya smiled a little and looked at her hands at work, “Well, um, she was more than a friend and that was, ah, some time later.” She didn’t need to look at Alistair to know his eyebrows had disappeared into his bangs. She dropped a quick kiss to his neck and heard his breath catch. 

 

“Apparently I was already showing ‘signs of great promise’ so the First Enchanter came to watch my lessons at times, he thought I had a knack for elemental magic, something he himself is – was proficient in.” Koya paused for a moment, collecting herself, remembering. “Part of the way we learn is sparring, but you knew that.” Alistair nodded, taking his hands off his knees and resting his arms on the edges of the basin. Koya traced a finger along his arm. 

 

“Lightning was easy, ice, water, and earth were simple, but fire,” Koya made a face as she ran her fingers along Alistair’s palm, fully aware of the way his gaze moved from her face to her hand. “If it came to me at all it was in small bursts and I had no control over it. My instructors were terrified I would create something I had no control over and would burn down the Circle Tower,” Alistair smiled again, that much closer to his old self. Koya lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles, their gazes met, and Alistair didn’t look away.

 

“The First Enchanter offered to help me with my fire magic, much to my instructor’s relief, Gemma, was her name, an older elf woman who was always a little nervous. But, I digress. First Enchanter Irving would give me lessons in his office, sometimes Gemma would be there, sometimes it was just the two of us, but he always started the lessons by asking me how I was, how my other lessons were going, if I was getting along with the other mages, and if the Templars were treating me well. I never… I always got the impression he truly _cared_. I think First Enchanter Irving genuinely wanted to see me grow into my potential and he wanted to give me any aid he could.” Alistair had laced their fingers together, and now his gaze didn’t move from her face as she spoke.

 

“Finally, a few weeks later I could produce flame on command, it didn’t last very long, and flickered, but it was there and it was progress. The First Enchanter wanted to end the lesson early to let me rest one day but, I was frustrated and I insisted on trying again. He had taught me to clear my mind and reach within myself for the control I needed, but I had a tendency, like all young mages, to link my magic with my emotions.” Koya shifted, trying not to let go of Alistair’s hand as she moved her free arm to wrap around his chest and let her chin rest on his shoulder, pressing her cheek into the curve of his neck, her chest against his back.

 

“And then what?” Alistair prompted, his voice soft and warm.

 

“Then, then I made fire, a huge burst of it right there in his office," Koya lifted the hand that was pressed against his chest to flick her fingers against her thumb to imitate an explosion. "First Enchanter Irving had only a second to react and built a wall of ice in front of me knocking me back and protecting me, but he couldn’t do anything for himself fast enough, and well,” Koya paused deliberately, “I burned off his beard, and his eyebrows.” There was a beat of silence and then Alistair was laughing. His shoulders shook until he couldn’t keep the laughter in and it rang out into the once hushed room. Alistair’s brilliant laughter was infectious and soon Koya was laughing too. It was not just a wonderful sound, but also a great feeling. The air was suddenly easier to breath, Koya’s heart felt lighter, and she hoped and begged the Maker that Alistair’s did too.

 

When the laughter died down to a chuckle Koya lifted her head to place a kiss on Alistair’s cheek before she pulled back, gently withdrawing her hand. She smiled at him reassuringly as she stood holding up a hand to him again to stop him as he made to stand up. She walked to her bed and picked up the towel she had placed there before walking back to Alistair and offering her hand to help him up. He took it and let her pat him dry. He shivered a little as Koya towelled him dry but didn’t protest, letting her work in silence. When she was satisfied she handed him the towel and moved back letting him step out of the basin. He leaned down to dry off his feet and made to tie the towel around his waist, then hesitated. Alistair looked at Koya questioningly, she just smiled at him, and he smiled back. She took the towel from him and draped it across a chair by the fire and went back to Alistair who now stood by the bed. He glanced at his discarded pile of clothes and made a face.

 

“Would you mind terribly if I slept just like this?” Alistair motioned to himself.

 

Koya found the question both amusing and thoughtful. She had learned that whenever possible Alistair preferred to sleep nude, but that he was asking now was obviously in consideration for her. She smiled again, her gaze flicking to his body and away.

 

“I suppose I could allow it.”

 

“How generous of you, my dear. That’s one of the reasons I love you, you know. Your generosity.” Alistair reached out and stroked her cheek; Koya closed her eyes leaning into the touch. The fact that he was deliberately touching and looking at her felt like a triumph, like she had finally done something right.

 

“Alistair,” she said, opening her eyes, “would you do me a favour?” He nodded, his expression getting serious. “Would you help me out of my robes?”

 

He laughed breathily, obviously in some relief.

 

“Your desire is my command.” He unbuckled the clasps at her waist and hips, her mage robes were no where near as complex and difficult to remove as armor and Alistair had some practice with taking Koya’s robes off for her, so he made short work of the task. When all she wore was a thin shift Alistair withdrew his hands, Koya caught them, gently squeezing, and walked backward to the bed pulling him along.

 

They crawled into the bed together, and soon were both lying on their sides, heavy blankets warming them, Alistair’s face pressed into Koya’s neck, arms around each other, and Koya’s gentle fingers running through his hair. They spent a long time like that, resting, breathing in the scent of the other, and reveling in their presence. If she could Koya would keep them like this forever, or just keep him forever, but barring that it would be enough to keep just Alistair like this, warm and safe, at rest, away from anything that threatened to harm him. Just knowing he was alive and well should be enough for Koya, and it almost was but - but at the end of the day she was selfish.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered into the quiet. She stopped moving her fingers and tightened her arms around him. “I’m _so sorry_.” Koya felt the telltale prick of tears in her eyes, but she shut them tight and refused to break down, not again.

 

For a long moment there was nothing but the sound of their breathing, their heartbeats, Koya’s loud and frantic, afraid she and her apologies would be rejected. Seconds ticked by and there was no response, just when she was starting to think maybe Alistair had been asleep this whole time, he spoke.

 

“No, don’t – _I’m_ sorry. What I did, can you ever forgive me?” The genuine fear and pain in Alistair’s voice ripped through Koya and she was suddenly angry. She pulled away to glare at him.

 

“Don’t you dare think like that, there’s nothing to forgive, and if there was of _course_ I would forgive you! How can you -? Why would you _ever_ \- ? Don’t you dare blame yourself for this! If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine, I forced you to – to go with Morrigan.” Alistair winced at the sound of her name. “I’m horribly, terribly selfish and I’m _so sorry_ I put you through that.” Koya was trembling now, but she continued to glare at Alistair who was starting to look angry now too.

 

“What are you saying? You gave me the option, and I agreed. I made a choice too, I could have said no but – “ Alistair’s jaw worked, “If there was any chance I could help save you I – I had to take it.” He glared right back at her.

 

Koya shook her head. “No, I should have been content with the choice to kill the Archdemon myself, with the idea that you could be alive and well in the world but,” she closed her eyes, willing away tears. “I…I couldn’t…I …we’ve lost so much, I can’t let us lose _us_ too. I…want the chance to spend my life with you.” Koya’s words dropped to a whisper, and despite her best efforts tears rolled down her face.

 

A second later she felt Alistair shift, felt his big calloused fingers brush her tears away and cup her cheek.

 

“Look at me, Koya, please.”

 

The soft pleading in his voice was too much, she could not deny him. Koya opened her eyes. Alistair looked like he might cry at any second.

 

“I love you,” he began; his words ardent, and Koya had never and would never doubt the strength of the feelings behind them. “I love you more than I thought was possible, I love you more than I care about my own life, and I want the same thing.” Alistair held her gaze with the intensity of his own, “If it came to it, I would give my life for yours, and you’re crazy if you think I’d let you take the final blow for me, but if there’s a way to make sure, to truly safeguard your life, I will always, _always_ take it. And, if there’s a possibility of a future for us, Maker, I want that too. ”

 

There was no doubting him, Alistair meant every word, and it scared her. Not because she was afraid of acknowledging or receiving his love, though she had certainly had those moments in the past, but because she knew he would do it. He would die for her and right now that seemed like too much of a possibility to be spoken out loud. Like saying it this close to danger would make it come true.

 

“Will you forgive me?” Koya asked, her voice quiet again.

 

Alistair gave her a wry look, and then smiled, just a little.

 

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

 

Koya smiled too, just a little.

 

The weight and pain that had been crushing her heart from the moment she realized killing the Archdemon meant death for a Grey Warden seemed to dissipate. Morrigan's offer had not been a perfect solution, but it had been their only port in this storm. For that she was grateful.

 

From the moment Alistair had confessed his feelings for Koya she had been unable to deny them, unable to reject them.  She wanted him and his love too much to dismiss or disbelieve. Maybe she could not always trust in herself, but she could always trust in the strength of their love, it would see them through this, of that Koya was now sure. 

 

They looked at each other, Alistair’s hand still warm on Koya’s face He stroked his thumb along the dark, smooth, tattooed skin of her cheek and there was peace in their hearts again. Alistair’s gaze moved from her eyes to her mouth, and Koya couldn’t help but copy him. He hesitated, and then moved slowly until he was kissing her. It was nothing more than a soft press of lips on lips but it sent feeling through Koya like a tidal wave. It felt like she had been holding her breath this whole time and only now could she breathe again. Her heart was so full of love; it felt like it was spilling out, spreading to every inch of her, bringing warmth and sweetness to her tired body. Alistair pulled away to look at her, his expressive eyes questioning, but it was only for a second because then Koya was kissing him, slowly, deeply, like she would have only this moment to do so, and that was the point. If she had left anything unsaid, she wanted this kiss the say the rest for her. Alistair’s arms came around her, and Koya’s hands cupped his face, and they spent long moments like this, kissing each other with all the love they could muster.

 

They finally stopped when even the effort of moving their lips was too much for them, when their eyes were just too heavy to open, and exhaustion pulled them into sleep. In the morning they would fight their way through darkspawn to the Archdemon, and then, then they would have a chance at a lifetime together.

**Author's Note:**

> That was extremely self indulgent, possibly the most "for me" thing I've ever written. I just really had to get it out of my system! I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> I wanted to mention my Warden isn't usually so hard on herself, you are catching her at her worst and I hope that came through. I would have liked to tackle Alistair's end of this, but I'm not sure I can handle that emotionally. 
> 
> After I read this over 10 million times I realized I left out my dog, he's uh, crashing in Sten's room, they're bros. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought!! I'd love any feedback, especially about the emotions that come through from Warden Surana and Alistair. Thank you!!! ♥


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